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Updated: Feb 19, 2022

This blog is for the ones who feel they are in a relationship with someone they love and want to be with but are struggling to heal from the hurt, betrayal and disrespect that their partner caused in some way. This blog is also for those who have caused someone they love harm and are struggling to "fix it" without really knowing how or they don't fully understand how their partner feels.

It is an enigma that we can feel such ambivalence with someone. How is it possible to love and hate them? I know, I know.....HATE is a strong word, but, lets be honest for a moment with ourselves and acknowledge that you can love and appreciate certain aspects of a person or something and hate different aspects. I LOVE chocolate cake, but HATE when there is a fruit sauce on top, so I eat around it.

This is where the confusion and hurt comes in. There is a part of you (the person who is hurt) that strongly wants to give up on their partner, move on, heal somehow and forget how it made them feel, in hopes of finding peace. But, there is the other part of you that has love for your partner, cares for them (even if you feel they don't deserve it) and you want to "fix it" because you believe in the potential they have and the COUPLE you know you can be if things were better. You have invested your love, time and energy.....who wants to waste any of that. You have hope, even if it is only a small amount.


If you both want to "fix it," you need to begin with healthy communication. You can either us a therapist as a unbiased mediator or find a way to communicate with each other in a healthy way. If there is damage, I would suggest couples therapy, because chances are, you are already in an unhealthy pattern of disagreements and not feeling heard or understood.

The question isn't does the person who hurt you want to charge, it is, can they? The answer is, YES! With awareness, time and energy....anything is possible. Learning how to heal is a challenge, but one that can be overcome. Learning how to emotionally support the person who is healing is a struggle, but also, can be done!

The person who is hurt probably feels emotionally blocked either partially or fully, which at times, might lead them to become blocked to intimacy. Sex is powerful and when you love someone, it opens the door to feeling more vulnerable. If someone hurt you, you do not necessarily want to be close to them or feel as if they have your body, because it is yours and something you have control of. In moments when you feel vulnerable to someone, you try to find ways to mentally feel in control, to give yourself some sense of comfort. The person who is hurt might feel triggered, hypersensitive and as if everything their partner does is under a small microscope because the trust was broken and the person who is hurt, feels on guard to hopefully prevent being hurt again.

Accept that for every action their is a reaction, a consequence. The hurt persons behaviors developed, due to to being hurt. TO CREATE HEALTHY PATTERNS FOR THE RELATIONSHIP TO HEAL-

  1. Reassurance

  2. Consistency

  3. Respect

  4. Small thoughtful gestures to show your partner you're thinking of them or do something respectful to show awareness and earn trust

  5. Asking your partner what they need to feel secure

  6. Asking your partner what they feel and taking the time to listen attentively without judgement or comments. Remember, their feelings are their reality.

  7. Do not minimize or dismiss their emotions

  8. Do not justify

  9. Own your faults and apologize with genuine emotions. Feeling heard gives us a sense of security that whatever happened, will hopefully not again if the person who hurt us can own what it was that hurt us and acknowledge it was wrong.

  10. It is okay to disagree, but respect the differences and try to understand why your partner feels as they do. We all want to be HEARD.

Remember nothing happens overnight, both people need to realize it will take time and effort. Be open to the process. Small steps in the right direction can eventually make a huge difference. The hurt person needs to make a decision to let their guard down and allow the healing process to begin, make the choice and behave as such and the person who did the damage needs to realize that their partner is in a vulnerable place, so they have to be aware of that and step up their game of being loving, caring, thoughtful, understanding and whatever their partner needs in a healthy way to heal.

There might be moments of triggers or fears from the past. In those moments learning coping skills to self soothe and have a healthy conversation with your partner so they can comfort you.

The person who caused the damage needs to court the hurt partner again, flirt with them, be playful and pretend it's the time they first began dating. Go on "dates" without expectations of intimacy. Go on dates that build your connection and allow you to laugh, dance, be playful and fall in love again. The goal is to remind each other why you're "fixing" your relationship. Why it is worth repairing. Do things that allow you to feel close.

In therapy - be open and do not be afraid to share your feelings. Holding in emotions creates resentment and more anger. If you truly want to be better and heal as individuals and a couple, let everything out so you can LET GO, to GROW!

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