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TORTURED SOUL

A Poem About OCD

You will never understand the hurt I feel inside.
The sadness that consumes me at night as I cry myself to sleep lonely. 
Thinking of my past and praying for a better future.
Replaying my life and trying to find comfort in the chaos. 
Trying to make sense of all I’ve been through and not regret things that I feel I should have done different.
Choices I’ve made that maybe would have given me a better life had I taken advantage of it.
The people I want to see, but cannot due to triggers.
The places I’m limited to visit.  
The events I cannot attend. 
The times in which I have to complete tasks, otherwise I have to wait until it ‘feels right.’
Waiting, waiting, waiting…..
And as I wait, I am wasting time and missing out on precious moments.
Who am I?
Really?
That is something I ask myself often.
Am I a woman who wants to live controlled by this OCD that dictates my life?
Or be a woman who fights against it, as I do with everything else in life.
Determined and relentless.
It’s draining.
But that peace that takes over my body and mind when I obey my ocd is like a drug that instantly floods your system. 
It’s like a needle of morphine injected into me and instantly I am on a high of serenity.
It’s the small moments I actually feel “normal” or what I would think normal must be.
It’s worth it.
Worth it to obey, so I do not suffer the consequences of negative thoughts and flashbacks of trauma that drown me to the point I cannot think and I feel as though I’m suffocating and will die a slow and torturous death.
Dramatic? 
Maybe so, but if you were in my mind, you wouldn’t last 10 minutes. 
Only then would you understand and agree with me the torment that I feel every second of everyday.
Even at night I cannot find peace.
The nightmares take over as if they are real.
Never giving me peace.
I am desperately in search of something to help me! 
Anything!
Even .01%!
I try to lead a normal life and most who do not know me closely, would think I do.
I hide it well
But that’s exhausting 
And I can only do that for so much time 
Eventually my OCD reveals itself and I have to internally suffocate
The more I try to be normal and take on the stress and pressure of life
The worse my OCD becomes, needing everything to ‘feel right’ to make sure I don’t suffer as I have in the past 
It believes it’s protecting me and sometimes, I believe it is
But at what cost?
My sanity?
My chance at happiness?
My opportunities to be with loved ones?
What do I do?
Nothing makes sense!
I am doing everything I can to not be traumatized as I once was
I am doing everything to find stability in my life to never feel as I once did 
I am desperately searching for someone to love and make a happy home
Something I never had
I am…..
I am, so many things. 
Complex.
But simple.
Someone in desperate need of peace.

Poetry - Art Therapy: Text
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