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A Poem About OCD

You will never understand the hurt I feel inside.
The sadness that consumes me at night as I cry myself to sleep lonely. 
Thinking of my past and praying for a better future.
Replaying my life and trying to find comfort in the chaos. 
Trying to make sense of all I’ve been through and not regret things that I feel I should have done different.
Choices I’ve made that maybe would have given me a better life had I taken advantage of it.
The people I want to see, but cannot due to triggers.
The places I’m limited to visit.  
The events I cannot attend. 
The times in which I have to complete tasks, otherwise I have to wait until it ‘feels right.’
Waiting, waiting, waiting…..
And as I wait, I am wasting time and missing out on precious moments.
Who am I?
That is something I ask myself often.
Am I a woman who wants to live controlled by this OCD that dictates my life?
Or be a woman who fights against it, as I do with everything else in life.
Determined and relentless.
It’s draining.
But that peace that takes over my body and mind when I obey my ocd is like a drug that instantly floods your system. 
It’s like a needle of morphine injected into me and instantly I am on a high of serenity.
It’s the small moments I actually feel “normal” or what I would think normal must be.
It’s worth it.
Worth it to obey, so I do not suffer the consequences of negative thoughts and flashbacks of trauma that drown me to the point I cannot think and I feel as though I’m suffocating and will die a slow and torturous death.
Maybe so, but if you were in my mind, you wouldn’t last 10 minutes. 
Only then would you understand and agree with me the torment that I feel every second of everyday.
Even at night I cannot find peace.
The nightmares take over as if they are real.
Never giving me peace.
I am desperately in search of something to help me! 
Even .01%!
I try to lead a normal life and most who do not know me closely, would think I do.
I hide it well
But that’s exhausting 
And I can only do that for so much time 
Eventually my OCD reveals itself and I have to internally suffocate
The more I try to be normal and take on the stress and pressure of life
The worse my OCD becomes, needing everything to ‘feel right’ to make sure I don’t suffer as I have in the past 
It believes it’s protecting me and sometimes, I believe it is
But at what cost?
My sanity?
My chance at happiness?
My opportunities to be with loved ones?
What do I do?
Nothing makes sense!
I am doing everything I can to not be traumatized as I once was
I am doing everything to find stability in my life to never feel as I once did 
I am desperately searching for someone to love and make a happy home
Something I never had
I am…..
I am, so many things. 
But simple.
Someone in desperate need of peace.

Poetry - Art Therapy: Text
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